Rogan Brown's Zimbabwe News
Only in Zimbabwe
10 May 2001
Dear All,
Another instalment in the daily life of the average Zimbabwean.
My passport expires in a few months and I decided to renew it before the Xmas rush. I also have eight years left on my USA visa and they have closed their embassy visa application offices due to being swamped with potential yanks. No problem you say. Off I went to the passport office with my existing passport in hand. After queuing for two hours, just to get the required form, I was told to return with the following documents: existing passport, ID documents, new style birth certificate, two photo's and a certificate of citizenship. All this to replace an existing document!

The new style birth certificate is being issued because every crook and his brother with a desktop publisher is churning out forgeries. Why anyone would want a backdoor Zima birth certificate is beyond me. You would have to be pretty desperate to want to be a Zimbabwean these days. After ten phone calls to find out where to go I set forth. One look at the queue and I decided to go back there the next day. I arrived at 6.30 am to find myself number 12 in the line. At 9.30 am poorer I left. Anyone who joined the queue after 7.00 am was there for the duration.

I then go to my local camera shop for the photos. No film available. Two hours on the phone and I finally find someone prepared to do the photos. Of course they are across town and I have no petrol. Two days and a further poorer I am ready for the passport office.

We have a sliding scale for passport applications. for the three month wait and for the super quick 48 hour service. No contest which door I am going to choose. My experiences in the birth certificate office do not even begin to prepare me for the chaos at the passport office. A seething mass of humanity all clutching reams of forms in no particular queue, all shoving and pushing to get to the three working clerks. The clerks are paid by the week and not the amount of applications they process, so their motivation and productivity factors are nil. The clerk in charge of the window has a superior look on his face and is gazing into space, with his fore digit excavating his right nostril. This does not go down well with the mob, but I am more than happy to pass over the required loot. Isn't capitalism wonderful?

The latest lunacy to hit us is that the ZANU PF war veterans are of the opinion the the Ministry in charge of labour disputes was not efficient enough, and that they could do a better job. A current example of a labour dispute, is the Kariba kapenta fishermen demanding a 1200% increase in wages or else! Nothing small about their demands? This involves the owner/manager of the company involved in the labour dispute being forcibly picked up by ZANU PF thugs and he/her being taken to the local ZANU PF Headquarters for re-education. A large donation to ZANU PF funds is solicited and your labour dispute vanishes. It is tantamount to paying protection money and extortion. Unfortunately, when you are surrounded by twenty goons shouting party slogans at you, a company cheque is the easy way out. This obviously comes off your bottom line and is passed on to the consumer. Any factory or business which is considering closing down for what ever reason, is well advised to think twice about their redundancy packages. The net result is that no-one is hiring staff. The unemployed are now the unemployable. After expending both barrels of the proverbial shotgun into the foot, the war veterans have backed off stating that they have cleared up the backlog of disputes and that the Ministry can now resume normal services. Where would we be without these peoples efforts?

In a lighter vein, the Le Francais Restaurant advertised for Mothers Day dinners in today's local paper. Anyone reserving a table for four or more people will receive 5 litres of petrol. You have to bring your own container though. I have not been there for years, but things cannot be good when you have to offer petrol to dine there. The price of petrol these days I may take them up on it.

Got to go. Another day in the petrol queue looms.

April 2001
Dear All,
Another month goes by in sunny Africa. We average Zimbabweans are a resilient lot if nothing else. We get up in the morning, check the sun came up in the right place and tootle off to work (those of us fortunate enough to have a job). We spend the day queuing for things and then tootle off home. The rest of the population seem to laze about in the sun, drinking unlimited scuds of Chibuku, and shout to each other from two paces away. This all seems to happen outside my front gate. Does it sound familiar? Getting homesick?

One or two things of note over the last month.

We sent a peace keeping contingent to Kosovo this month. 28 policemen and women jetted off on Air Balkan (thats the airline with the roof racks). Just what they will do there is questionable but I have no doubt the Zimbabwean flag will fly high. I seem to remember that Milosevic and Bobus Maximus were big shamwaris at one time, so maybe they are there to offer moral support. Our previous excursions into peace keeping have not all gone to plan. We had a whole company of troops disarmed in Ethiopia by a mob of irate women and children. Only one soldier managed to keep his weapon, and only because he had been in the toilet at the time of the incident.

A group of American Congressmen and Senators of visited Zimbabwe two weeks ago to check on the civil rights aspect. They were met at the airport by local dignitaries and members of the judiciary. Within an hour of landing one of the visitors booked himself out on the next available flight, commenting that there was little or no point in hanging around. The rest of the party stayed marginally longer, and also left shaking their heads in bemusement. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at that meeting, but am willing to bet that any chances we had of getting more aid from the States have seriously diminished.

On the local front, the railways have come in for some criticism. It appears that they deduct over Z,000,000 every month in pension contributions from their employees. This is supposed to go to the NRZ Pension fund. This has not been done for the last three years. Where it has been going is the subject of much discussion. Answers on a post card to the Receiver of Revenue. How does one hide facts like this? I am two days late with one payment for my employees and the gods descend. Obviously, to paraphrase Stalin, " One missing dollar is theft, 3 billion dollars missing is a statistic."

Even nearer to home. Last Monday, my gardener was involved in a shoot out between a gang of robbers and security guards. . The local bank was transferring money to a security van and were ambushed by the gang of crooks. Shots were exchanged on both sides, with the security guards coming second. The van was ransacked and 6 million dollars vanished down Natal Road in Avondale. All this went on whilst Luke (the landscape technician) continued to mow the front verge. Zimbabwes finest arrived 45 minutes later (no fuel) and tried to take a statement from him. The gist of it was "Whaati!" The net result was he saw nothing, heard nothing, and was definitely not the one. The usual gang of layabouts mentioned earlier, also saw diddly squat. This all happened 70 meters from my
gate !!!!! A spin off to this story, is that the robbers were later apprehended. They had spent themselves silly and this had not gone unnoticed. Drinks all round at the local beerhall. An AK47 was recovered and the serial number was traced to a member of the airforce who had suspiciously then reported it stolen from his locker over the weekend. An airforce board of enquiry immediately handed down a fine for losing his rifle. He no doubt paid this willingly from the proceeds of the original sale. I hope he got more than for it in the first place.

Lastly, an advert in the local paper raises some concerns. A computer training company is offering a "comprehensive course introducing you to Microsoft Windows, Word Perfect, Excel, Pastel accounting and Corel Draw." The course is run over two days and at the end of it you get an internationally recognised diploma, which assures you of future employment in the IT industry. All of this in two days. Imagine what you could do in a week. Who said Zimbabwe was not at the cutting edge of technology. The painful part of it all, is that unemployment is so high, that some poor jerk is going to believe this twaddle and spend his life savings getting the "internationally recognised" diploma, which is useful for wrapping fish or wiping your bum. Only in Zimbabwe.

Cheers,
Rogan

March 2001Dear All,
I hope your all well. Most of you know me well enough to realise that I am not a devout student of the Bible. Lately I have been reading up on a few areas that came to mind. I seem to remember that there was some gyppo oik who pissed God off and then found himself knee deep in frogs, boils, locusts etceteras. Seems to me like a perfectly good response from God, and one guaranteed to keep the masses in line. Insurrection is low on ones "list of things to do today", if you have fifteen boil plasters on your bum and keep having to scrape dead frogs off the bottom of your shoes. (Where is he going with this line of writing I hear you all say)
Well, two months ago the Government were predicting a massive food shortage due to drought. A prominent government minister assured us that the late rains were undeniably due to that ever present American nuclear submarine off the Mocambique coast, messing with the ecology again, and would they please stop. Two days after that it started to rain and has not stopped since. The government are now predicting a massive food shortage due to floods, no doubt due to the ever present etceteras, etceteras. Similarly, the frogs are here in abundance if the nightly chorus from my swimming pool is anything to go by. The only thing we won't be bothered by is locusts. (We ate them all the last time this happened!)
Whilst all this is going on our esteemed leader was in Brussels attending yet another summit conference on whatever. An English gay rights activist tried to serve a summons on him at the airport. The local press have been ominously quiet about the whole performance. Why is it always the gay rights people who want to get to him? Is there some underlying subliminal message here? I think we should be told. After all we have just had our ex- President released from a nine month sojourn in chookey for sodomy. I cannot see the logic behind sending these people to jail. It is the equivalent of sentencing a child pornographer to five years as a gym teacher in an all girls junior school. Nine months in a womens prison seems to fit the bill better.
The local heath ministry run by the only white cabinet minister we have, the Honourable Minister Timothy Stamps, has come under fire again. They implemented their new budget last month with all the new fees. It is now cheaper to take your maid to a private dentist than it is for her to go to the government clinic. It is not entirely their fault. Their annual budget was cut by 40% last year to balance the extra 40% given to the Ministry of Defence. No doubt it is more important to defend El Presidente's diamond mines in the DRC than supply primary health care to your own citizens. I am sure that this fact will elude the masses at polling day.
Hands up how many of you remember Timothy Stamps when he was the Chief Medical Officer for the Salisbury City Council? He was worse than bloody useless then, so I have little hope for him improving with age. All our nursing staff are leaving Zimbabwe in droves. Daily advertisements offer nursing contracts in Europe with salaries well over what they earn here. Timothy Stamps answer to this, is to advertise in Europe for nurses offering salaries well over what they can expect to earn there. We now have Romanian and Bulgarian amazons dispensing Aspirin in Harare, and Suzy Matwetwe doing the same in Budapest or Sarajevo. The man is an idiot of the first order. Of course he has the inside track on all the scams going on in his department, so is unlikely to resign, mores the pity.
On a lighter note. I have just received an email from a colleague who is doing a grand tour of New Zealand and Aussie, with a view to emigrating. Her views on NZ are that it and the average IQ is just above sea level in most places, and barely semi-rural. Sydney fared no better. Manchester with the sun, and a bit of San Francisco tossed in to keep things equal. (No doubt she got propositioned in the Kings Cross by a transvestite in drag) Perth had too many ex Rhodies in it, Melbourne was too wet, Brisbane to parochial and Cairns too hot This is from someone who goes ballistic if her maid doesn't iron her skirt length ways and not sideways! The grass is always greener till you get there.
Cheers for now, must go and join a petrol queue.
Rogan
February 2001
Dear All,
Greetings from Zimbabwe. We are now officially in the new millennium, no matter which school of thought you subscribed to. Instead of my usual vitriolic diatribe against the Government etc, I thought this time I would share some of the more quaint zimbabweanisms to which we in Zimbabwe have started to take for granted.
The first one is that well known government organ, ZTV. Should you be unfortunate enough to not have satellite TV (US per month), and live outside of Harare, you are forced to watch ZTV.The Sunday evening line up of fun filled shows is as follows. (Please note that this is taken from the Sunday Times entertainment section for Sunday the 7th of Jan 2001. The comments in brackets are mine)

5.00 pm News in Ndebele - (A good time to feed the dogs)
5.30 pm News in Shona - (A good time to check dogs ate food, and not the cat)
5.55 pm Time Bank Program line up for the evening - (air of expectancy prevails over the whole house, wait with baited breath)
6.01 pm The Reverend Matthew Ashimolowo - (local evangelist complete with interpreter, who is given to fits of giggles)
6.30 pm Brush Stokes - (1970's british sitcom revolving around a house painter, who watches paint dry. Riveting stuff!)
7.00 pm Turning Point - (excellent time to feed kids, beat wife, resort to onastic practices)
7.30 pm Insight - (Local politician "grilled" by wheedling sycophants, suitably drawn from the govt controlled press)
7.55 pm Time Bank Program line up for the evening - (Proof that the attention span of the average ZTV viewer is less than 2 hours)
8.00 pm News hour - (What can I say?)
9.00 pm Program previews - ( badly edited highlights, from forthcoming programs, which never get shown)
9.05 pm Time Bank Program line up - ( attention span obviously shrinks as the night continues)
9.06 pm Kingdom Security Investment program (how to invest the family fortune, especially with, you guessed it, Kingdom Security)
9.16 pm Consumer report - (why, after investing with KS, you are broke and taking a greater interest in the weekly food bills)
9.21 pm ZBC Program line up ( Time Bank ran out of advertising budget ????)
9.22 pm Waiting for God - (I have been waiting for this, as I fancy the idea)
9.51 pm Police Rescue - ( 1970's Aussie police show. Dropped by Aussie networks in first season, after poor reviews. R.I.P.)
10.51 pm Snowy - ( have no idea as I fell into a coma)
11.00 pm News - ( I assume it was the same old bollocks)
11.10 pm Snowy (cont) - (Still in coma)
11.51 pm Harry Enfield and Chums - ( wake up to see 3rd rate british comedian tell 4th rate jokes)
00.21 pm Epilogue, National Anthem and close down - (Stand to attention in bed, salute, fall off bed, try to re-induce coma)

A local lady was stopped at the Harare International Airport before she boarded a London flight. The customs officers became suspicious of her fashionably abundant rear end and searched her. They found 6,5 kgs of Ganga stuffed inside her pantyhose. The local police arrested her, valued the haul at Z,000, (They must change their dealer as they are being seriously overcharged) and locked her up for the night. The Herald reported that she had it "inserted in her bottom", giving rise to a lot of jokes about "good shit", "passing it on to her clients", etc. They then let her out on Z bail! Needless to say when her case was called up in the magistrates court last Friday she was nowhere to be seen. It was later reported that she left for London soon after being given bail. No doubt with another consignment secreted about her person.

The US presidential elections were followed closely in Zimbabwe. The general perception was that Bush may not be as sympathetic to local government as the democrats. A rumour that the US Embassy was closing down prompted long queues. An official from the Embassy vehemently denied that they were closing down (which prompted longer queues), and said that the reason was because of the number of fraudulent applications they received. It appears that false bank statements, police clearances, and academic qualifications are the order of the day. The fact that they charge US, non refundable, to even accept an application, has not put a stop to this practice. The press is full of adverts from people who will guarantee you get a visa to anywhere, for a small fee. Their addresses are usually post boxes in the less salubrious parts of Harare. Another advert is offering posts for aupairs to go to the states and europe. Qualifications are not required. Willingness to work 16hrs a day cleaning others peoples houses and watch their brats will ensure a posting. Again, a small finders fee is required. Would the last person leaving Zimbabwe please turn off the lights?

Finally, the Zimbabwe soccer team has gone on strike over match fees. They are claiming that they haven't been paid for the last six months. The fact that they haven't won a lot in the last six months seems to elude them. The last match played in Harare ended up in a full scale riot when we went 2-nil down. After assessing damages to the stadium, sundry fines from FIFA, flight and hotel bills for the opposition, etc etc , the was a nett loss recorded in the books. A full board enquiry was convened, and came back with the verdict that the MDC opposition had started the riot, FIFA would not take local cheques, next time South Africa played here they could find their own accommodation, and we still had a nett loss on the books. The bill for convening the board of enquiry was Z,000.



Cheers
Rogan



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers
Rogan